Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
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He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?