I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
Love having children with random chicks
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
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the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?