Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we're so committed to being not committed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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