I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to calm my uterus...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
