I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
