Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
