There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
