bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
