My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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