if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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