My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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