I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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