I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't notice because vodka
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
