That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
