I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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