you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
