You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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