you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize