I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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