dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
