i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
