I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
