My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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