don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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