Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
