Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
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it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
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Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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