6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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