You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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