between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
