I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
