I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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