Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
