I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
