You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
