Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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