Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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