I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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