I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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