If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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