Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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