a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
