Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
