I accidentally had phone sex last night
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
