Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
