your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
