dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
