I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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