Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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