Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize