I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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