i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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