i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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