My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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