Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
