Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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