so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
