shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
