I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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