I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
