the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
